I can’t seem to shake the things that have stuck for the past three years.
Ever since I finished high school, I feel like thinks have come to a complete standstill in my life. I don’t really have anything going for me at the moment, and I really have no idea what’s gonna happen nor do I really know what I want. I’m just this really tall guy with this giant ball of random feels that is growing by the day. I really want to pick something up and stick with it, but the problem with that is I have no idea where to get started. Maybe learn how to read music or play an instrument. That’d be nice.
High school for me was up and down. I was into everything, so I couldn’t decide what to focus on. Years later, same dilemma. I wanted to audition for some type of talent competition, and I saw that the glee project was in the audition phase around the time. Sadly, I was too chicken to tryout. Looking back on it, I don’t remember why I just didn’t go for it. The worst that could’ve happened was the word ‘no.’
I’m also stuck at community college, and yes the 2 year transfer rumor that was had was a sad dream for the path least chosen. Prioritizing starcraft 2 over chemistry freshman year = no bueno.
Oh, the many regrets of a pre-adult. Not doing X, and highly regretting doing Y, and getting so close to Z, but never making it. I feel like I’ve made more bad life-decisions than good ones, partially because I had a lot of ‘yolo’ moments in my childhood.
Now that I’m 20, life has begun to really speed up and it never seems to want to slow down. Not for me. Not for anyone. Life gets super real, super quick, and frankly I’m super sick of it. All of the people in high school I knew are getting on with their lives, and I’m just sitting here every day doing all the same shit I did the day before. I’m a mess. A very tall, very quiet, very messy mess. I say this to myself all the time, but I don’t feel happy going to school. I don’t feel happy waking up in the morning. I don’t feel happy when I say I feel happy. I barely have any friends. I’ve never had a real relationship with someone. I just wanna feel again. I cry on the inside every day. Whenever I’m at home, I lock myself in my room. I read. I type my thoughts. I click endless links because I think they will take me somewhere I’d rather be.
I don’t do anything. I sit at my desk on a computer 7 days a week around 50 hours a week doing nothing. I sleep terribly. I barely go out. I stopped exercising. I wanna get out, but I can’t because I’m stuck for the foreseeable future.
I feel empty. I feel lost. I can’t really feel how I used to. I chuckle, but I never smile genuinely. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just go with the wave that life puts me on and I just refuse to swim against the current. If I could rewind and fix all of my mistakes, I would in a heartbeat. It’s all the little dominoes that were set up that simultaneously fell down in order to create this mess that you are currently reading about. Days go by and I actually had no idea what day it was when I woke up last Sunday. I stop eating when I’m bored. I had a very minimal appetite over the past few days.
Sometimes life can suck, which is inevitable, and sometimes it can be a real load of crap that you step in repeatedly. Sometimes you just wanna be happy, but life can be complete 180. Sure temporary answers are there, but those can only last for so long. Sometimes a well needed hug is needed in order to turn your entire day around.